OK, I hate waiting for AP scores. They're "externals" anyway.

This seems stupid. I have tried to look for the AP Lang and AP Lit scores TWICE already even though all evidence points to teacher and student access July 7. I haven't really been anxious about scores since the weeks before the exams. Why do I always get weirdly nervous in early July? I had coffee with my nephew today and he said a couple interesting things he heard about responding to things that bring anxiety: look at them but don't STARE at them, and invite them in for tea, but don't set them up in the guest bedroom.

So this is me looking so I don't stare. I do care about their scores--I know we're not supposed to as the learning is more important than the score and their situation the day of the test can make a score drop.  But I still seem to care. (I'm not proud of that.) Of course, the score they get does not change my impression of the student. Their work for 9 months in class is a way more valuable assessment of their skills than tricky multiple choice questions about a poem they've never seen OR writing a scholarly 40-minute essay on a poem they've never seen. I'm proud of them for taking the class and the exam. Also, many things non-academic are so much more important anyway.

Here's why I care: 

1. I want the kids to get the college credit they need (there's a lot of money on the line when you total it all up).

2. I want them to feel good about themselves--to feel like they are "smart."

3.  I want them to realize that hard work offers a nice pay off!

4.  I want them to be happy.

(The ones below are more selfish.)

5.   I will feel validated if the scores are strong--we work so hard, and it's nice to see you're teaching the right things...maybe.

6.  I worry about how it will affect how students feel about me as a teacher--did I prepare them well, let them down, give them a fair assessment of where they may land?

7. I worry a bit about the school's response to their scores (this is stupid as it would have no effect on my job, though some teachers are truly up against it).

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So, what am I going to do about these nerves about what is to come (tomorrow)? I am reading a book about Stoicism and the concept of applying those ideas to our lives: The Little Book of Stoic Wisdom by Joseph Piercy.  Anyway these are two helpful ideas...

1.  LET IT GO for heaven's sake. Seneca is quoted as saying, "Some things torment us more than they ought; some torment us before they ought; and some torment us when they ought not to torment us at all."  

Seneca also said in an epistle to Lucilius, "We suffer more often in imagination than reality."

Yes, this is certainly no reason for TORMENT.  And, am I actually suffering?  If so, that's a little worrisome.  (I am sure many people think I'm strange to write about this, but I can't be the only one who gets a little anxious...)

2.  IT'S JUST EXTERNAL ANYWAY. The Stoics are not emotionless, as is sometimes supposed. However, Epictetus believed that we should not give our future happiness or present attention to factors we cannot control (like weather, or a diagnosis, others' opinions, or some test results). "When we free our mind of the weight of external factors we are free to choose our happiness on our own terms" (Piercy 61).

 I am ready for some happiness on my own terms.

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Anyway, if you get a little wiggy about those scores about now, I guess you know you're not alone--an odd teacher in Iowa is overly curious, too. For sure, we know they all did what they could and the tests were read by people who did the best they could.  It's not a flawless system--plenty of externals to go around! I hope you are pleased and relieved when you see their scores--or if not pleased and relieved, at least fine.  I hope that most kids are proud of themselves and feel that whatever score they received is at least "adjacent" to what they feel they deserved. No one is going to cut off their feet if they get a 2. No one will organize a banquet in their honor if they get a 5. It was just a morning, a mark in time. Choose your happy, defuse  the externals, and encourage the students. It's not polite to stare anyway.

If you're not worried about scores, I do think that is the right attitude. Here's to perspective. :)