Vulnerability in Our Writing: They're "open." Should we be?

Last spring I shared a post about a professional failure as an AP Lit reader 32 years ago--whoops.  When I first posted the story, it quickly got 600 views. I was surprised. But feeling awkward, I took it off within the first 24 hours. (The ol' post/unpost.)

     I softened it a bit and put it back up anyway, and "A Less Than Stellar Entry to AP Reading" is one of the top 4 of my 50+ blog essays. (It seems to have been more interesting to would-be readers than something on creative responses to Dickinson poetry or teaching freshmen how to summarize NYTIMES articles about reigniting mammoth DNA.) Anyway, it's a kind of a confessional piece about how I sucked as an AP Lit reader in my twenties (partly because I drank a lil' too much each night on the River Walk in San Antonio--and partly because I was just in over my head academically). Either way, I was literally fighting sleep during those eight-hour air-conditioned scoring sessions. I didn't get fired (thank God), but they  didn't ask me back the following year. Whoops. 

Anyway, the blog post brought me incredible fame (not). But I did wonder why it was a hit. I don't think others want us to screw up, but failures are intriguing. Vulnerability makes us uncomfortable for sure--even as readers, but if we can get past the second hand awkwardness, maybe we're just naturally curious about people's "not wins." 

Generally, I feel like being vulnerable in writing is ok. However, a book on creative nonfiction, Tell It Slant (named after Dickinson's poem), warns of not turning a personal essay into the "therapist's couch," not telling an emotional story too soon at the risk of being maudlin or vindictive, and the importance of understanding your motive and how the piece will affect a reader.

Well, my stupid story of failure was certainly not too soon, maudlin, or vindictive. Hopefully, I wasn't using it as a therapist's couch. I do wonder about my motive a little. Why share about getting drunk a few times that week on the River Walk in San Antonio? How transparent should we be in our writing? 

We all know that our students are certainly putting their trust in us with their essays. For many of us, especially kids, it's a scary thing to share your ideas with someone--let alone someone who will, by nature of the situation, probably judge your grammar and style. My AP Lang students recently wrote personal essays--a "3.5 page any-style paper." I told them we wouldn't do the usual  peer editing. I was going to be the only one to read it (if so they chose); hopefully, they would view me as more of a reader than a wicked grader on the attack. (I don't use rubrics on personal narrative assignments--I rather dislike rubrics anyway,]) 

They're seniors, and I've known most of the kids almost two years now. Some of these essays were funny, all were reflective, and  some were surprisingly vulnerable. They were so well written. Though composing creative nonfiction certainly doesn't prep them more for the May test,  I'm so glad each year that we work the assignment in. I'm not very judgy when it comes to personal stuff and they probably know that. (I'm pretty flawed.) I would, of course, address any situation if they were in danger or I was alarmed by what they wrote. They know that, too, but these weren't vulnerable that way, thank goodness. But still, they took risks. 

So how about us? I have read others' posts on Facebook and have colleagues who also  think it is important for teachers to share their writing with students. I do it verrrrry rarely. (I put an AP practice essay I wrote on a blind reading table once (no names) and got kind of schooled.) Some students know I have a blog, but I keep my last name off it on the site. (They're not dying to read it anyway, I'm guessing. Prom, scholarship essays, upcoming graduation parties are more important than your ol' teacher's blog on teaching English.) 

However, I write fairy journals (fiction!) that I have read aloud to students a few times over the years. They seem surprised and don't seem to know quite how to respond. Maybe that's my gig--writing things people don't really know how to take. Below is one of my fairy's journal entries. She's generally upbeat, but struggles some with depression. Posting this is probably a bit open for me (and not really helpful to anyone)--fiction isn't my go to. Read it if you like. The fairy's my alter ego probably. My uncle once said everyone's first novel is likely 50% autobiographical! (I won't write a fae novel.)

This all said, I hope you take some creative risks today (or at least this summer when time allows).  Sharing more of who we are is interesting, and potential failures are usually worth it. I have been a strong AP Lang reader for the last six years. As my friend Becky used to say, "No regrets." 

Here's the AP reader fail post, and below that is my try at first person fiction.

(https://tracetheelateacher.blogspot.com/2025/06/a-less-than-stellar-entry-to-ap-reading.html)

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FAIRY's WINTER JOURNAL 20XX

ON WRITING by Stephen King--worth it! (Plus Ellen's comments!)

As I'm reading Stephen King's On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, I find myself feeling a little guilty that I have not read any of his novels. The length and topics were my reasons--but I have always heard he's a good writer, and I'm really liking his memoir. It reminds me some of a Sedaris text, but I'd say a bit more melancholy.  The memoir section is  interesting and moving, but my favorite parts already are the little snippets he offers about writing throughout. I am only on p. 165, so past the life story--which only goes until p. 100, and since then it seems to all focus on writing. I took a chance and offered it as an option for summer reading for my AP Lang kids.  (They have to read a "social topic" nonfiction book and listen to/or read a memoir. I told them this could work for either--I think I should have just said memoir.) The students' first essay will be an analysis of Outliers, Cultish, Columbine, Stiff, or The Anxious Generation or (if anyone chooses it) On Writing. 

Today it is a million degrees in Iowa (feels like 2 million). Nevertheless, I went out on our love seat, somehow positioned it under our umbrella on the deck and read On Writing for about 45 minutes. Today's section was mostly about writing fiction; well, the whole writing section is mostly on fiction. In the heat I read about not using too much description, letting dialogue create character when possible, and that a situation is a much better starting point than a plot. Below are ideas I have found interesting so far from both sections. After those, I have a special section with the ideas of my friend Ellen about the text--she devoured it in a few days apparently!

Below are some writing ideas that can relate to both fiction and nonfiction that I have really liked from On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft.

p. 37  "Good story ideas seem to come quite literally from nowhere, sailing at you right out of the empty sky." He says that two "unrelated ideas come together and make something new...your job isn't to find these but to recognize them when they show up."  (I will start noticing! I love serendipity or synchronicity--either one.)

p.45 I love this: "At 13 I wanted monsters that ate whole cities, radioactive corpses that came out of the ocean and ate surfers, and girls in black bras who looked like trailer trash." (According to the second section, we don't have to write about what we "know," but we must write about our interests.)

p. 49 This part made me a little sad. He wrote things in middle school (or early high school) to try to sell them at school (it worked). One was a more grotesque retelling of the Vincent Price movie, "The Pit and the Pendulum." He sold almost all of the copies but was caught, and they made him give the money back to the kids. He remembers an English teacher then saying to him, "Stevie, what I don't understand is why you'd write junk like this in the first place. You're talented. Why do you want to waste your abilities?"

P. 50 I guess it's actually his response to her comment that made me sad: "I have spent a good many years since--too many, I think, being ashamed about what I write...If you write (or paint or dance  or sculpt or sing), I suppose, someone will try to make you feel lousy about it." Gees, I hope I have offered no offhand comment that is now echoing in some student writer's head years down the road.

P. 57 I LOVED this part and found it quite encouraging. I write A LOT of feedback on student essays--I mark all the grammar, but much of my commentary is on style. King was pushed to write for a local paper in high school for a while. When the editor really went after his piece with lots of notes and slashes (and he thought King had written a good article),  King was not offended; he writes, "Why, I wondered, didn't English teachers ever do this?" I TOTALLY do that.  I just got a cool email from a brilliant graduate yesterday (Noah) who thanked me for the comments on his papers.  (His papers were super in the first place, but I like to suggest!)  If you do this, too, I hope you feel likewise validated. 

ANYWAY, the opening memoir section is truly worth it! I did find myself looking more forward to the writing section, but now that I am in the thick of that, I feel I got more out of the first half as a comp teacher, ironically.

For example, I did not find anything earth-shaking in the first 20 pages of the writing section: know your grammar, avoid passive voice, just say, "said."  There were lots of shout outs to Strunk and White.  I did think it was interesting that he said to use adverbs "sparingly."  

I'm still looking forward to the last 100 pages. As an English teacher,  I knew that information about grammar and passive voice--and I should.  But I am anxious to finish reading more about his ideas on narrative style, content, process, etc. 

PART II: A fan's response!

 

My friend Ellen!

    I am also including the responses of Ellen, a fun and smart friend/professional colleague, on King's On Writing.  Ellen is an an AP Literature and Composition teacher and department chair from Texas. We met halfway (in Arkansas) at an NEH workshop on adaptations of FRANKENSTEIN and CINDERELLA.  Ellen was a highlight! Ellen is the real deal--a long-time King fan having read nine of his early novels in the 80s! I was busy reading Harlequin romances. (That was embarrassing to write. My high school independent reading was not impressive.)  I saw on Facebook that Ellen was also reading On Writing, so I asked her to share her ideas on his nonfiction. But, first, I love Ellen's commentary on his novels: 

    "The Shining is the scariest book I have ever read, and he wrote two of my all time favorite novellas/books adapted into film: The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile. By the way, John Coffee’s initials are J.C. Yes, I had an omg moment after reading that." 

(Again, I (Trace) haven't even seen Shawshank or The Green Mile--there are huge gaps in my film background. I much prefer Ellen's enthusiasm to my ignorance!)

Things I learned about Ellen from reading her responses she sent via email.

1. Ellen is a romantic. 

King suggests having an " Ideal Reader. This person reads the first draft and gives honest feedback that you are willing to accept. For him, it is his wife, Tabby, and he admits that he writes to please her. If she laughs or is scared at the right moment, he wins. Then he wonders if it is funny enough or scary enough. Love that he loves her so much. He says it often." (EB)  *Ellen's husband heard her laughing as she read the book all night long.

2. Like Stephen King, Ellen's least favorite part of speech is adverbs. (I'm keeping "least" there anyway.)

3. She reads with her students in mind!

"He has a toolbox of techniques he uses and explains how much or little he relies on them like vocabulary, grammar, dialogue, sentences, paragraphs, narration, description, and also pairs examples of good and bad uses of techniques from notable authors. I have already developed two classroom lessons from his pairings. Imagine the conversations students could have about this! My wheels are turning!" (EB)

4. She's a proud Texan.

She's met Larry McMurtry and likes his clear and honest writing style (as does King). "He's a Texan, like me." (EB)

5.  She can do a Blue's Clues reference! Ellen appreciates that King suggests having "a writing space." She feels it could be "sort of like a Blue's Clues 'thinking chair.' A place that puts you in the zone." (EB)

6.  She seems willing to read "sh**" and the "f" word, but not write them.

"Lastly, he says that honesty is the key to good fiction. Characters must be believable, and it shows through dialogue.  King embeds a lot of sh-- and f--k in this memoir (gasp!), but we wouldn’t believe it if it were any other way." (EB)

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A Less than Stellar Entry to AP Reading...

Here's a true story about my first AP reading when I was in my twenties. I was leaving my first high school  teaching job and headed to a nearby university to serve as a one-year liaison instructor (I would bring info about hs comp AND would gain info about college comp). The same year I decided to apply to be an AP Lit reader. I had taught AP Lit for 6 years and was headed to teach for a year as "a bit more than an adjunct or TA" (I had health insurance and a better salary), and so because of my "amazing qualifications," I was selected to read. 

Well, it was in San Antonio, and I had a GREAT roommate, and we spent time on the river walk every night.  We ate at great restaurants--I had the first and best Tex-Mex chili of my life. We drank every night (I more than her. In her defense, she was around 45 and not an idiot.)

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the days reading tests were tough. I think I was kind of "tired" one day (unimpressive), and I remember almost falling asleep once at the table. I was on Question 3, and I don't remember what it was about, but I could look it up--it was 1993. Anyway, there were the two columns of books as suggested titles, and I hadn't read many of them.  So I would ask when I got to one I didn't know if someone at the table could score that one. "Has anyone read Wuthering Heights?" I asked at one point.  I remember an older kind of condescending woman saying, "You haven't read Wuthering Heights?!"  I think she was thinking, "Wow. You haven't EVEN read Wuthering Heights." I was thinking, "Oh, shit, I'm in trouble."

I can write this now about Wuthering Heights without looking it up: "I am Heathcliff. He's always, always on my mind. Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same stuff."  (I think that's pretty close.) Anyway, I've read it now, and at sixty, I know I wouldn't make some under thirty-year-old feel guilty for not having read a few classics. But, then again, I did admittedly struggle maintain focus sometimes which may have irritated her. 

I remember asking our table leader near the end when I found out that you had to be invited back, "Will you invite me back?" He assured me that, yes, he would suggest I be invited again. I don't think he did.  When I was at my next high school the math teacher was an AP reader. I told him I had done that as well. He said, "Why don't you do it anymore? Didn't you get asked back? Everyone gets asked back." Oh snap.

About five years ago, when I was in the thick of teaching both AP Lit and AP Lang and had more teaching years under my belt than years I had been alive in San Antonio, I applied to be an AP Lang reader. When it asked if you had been a reader before, I checked no. I feel guilty about it, and should be judged for the dishonesty. I HADN'T read for Lang and it truly had been 26-27 years ago at the time. I was still pretty nervous I would be "found out." I haven't been yet, but maybe some do-gooder will turn me in: "She WAS a reader and she sucked in 1993!!" (Again, long ago)

I didn't know the full level of my shame until that math teacher told me how UNUSUAL it was to not be asked to return. Now I realize they have weird algorithms and perfectly good readers don't get asked back every year. (However, I had not been a perfectly good reader.)  Though there had been some shame in San Antonio, I do remember really liking the river walk, liking my roommate and visiting

the Alamo, and best of all, liking that Tex Mex chili.           

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    I’m certainly not proud of that showing…I’m so glad to be here not there! I believe I am a very good Lang reader—this will be my 4th or 5th year. I take it seriously! Those were not my finest moments. I would never compromise my approach to any student essay. Here's to change and growth, I guess.  Someone responded to this on Facebook and said feeling shame is essentially a waste of time! I like that.

Please respond! I'd love to know what you think.  Did you ever have a bad experience reading AP tests?