LONG WAY DOWN: With student poems and new added questions for last 80 pages!I

   

This spring my freshmen classes read LONG WAY DOWN by Jason Reynolds. We had read MOCKINGBIRD early in the semester, and even though Lee's novel is powerful, I wanted to include a full-length text (this one a collection of poems) written by a contemporary author of color. If you haven't read it, Will, the fifteen-year-old protagonist living in the inner city, is faced with a dilemma when his older brother (his hero) is shot. Will knows there are three rules: Don't cry. Don't snitch. Get revenge. Although Will is a reflective, sweet kid, he gets his brother's gun from his drawer and heads off to kill who he thinks killed his Shawn. Half the text is a long elevator ride with familiar ghosts who offer perspectives on violence. It's powerful. (Shout out to my sister Jill, a retired math teacher, for the recommendation!)

I saved LONG WAY DOWN for the almost end of the semester--right in the midst of our final poetry unit. We only had thirty copies, so we read it during class. I read some aloud; they read some of it aloud, and I let them read some on their own. Overall, they really liked it! Below are some of their comments. Following their comments, however, are poems the students wrote one day during class. Their poetry could just be in Reynold's style, echo one of the themes, or offer a continuation of the plot.  DEMOGRAPHIC: My suburban Iowa freshmen clientele this year were mostly a bunch of white kids. Out of about 50, I had three students of color.

HERE ARE SOME KIDS' RESPONSES!

"I like how it showed the cycle of revenge. Also, I feel it shows how people handle grief. Overall it is a great book with an unknown ending."

"The plot line was harsh, however it's a good change from what we we're usually reading."

"I liked how it was serious and interesting. I know a lot of other people liked it too.  I also like how it was overall formatted. It really just drags you in."

"Well, I don't really like poem books but it was cool that the elevator part all happened in 60 seconds."

"Plot-wise, I liked the themes of grief, revenge, and doubt."

"I disliked that it was dark, and the poetry style was odd."

"It gives a look into other peoples live that we might not experience. I think freshmen is a good level to read this because it is kind of an introduction to many real world problems."

"I feel it is a good quick introduction to poetry. It gives a very good view of what grief can look like, and feel like. "

HERE ARE SOME OF THEIR POEMS--we just took around 20 minutes in class at the end of the book to write these. 

Poem 1:

 Each step echoes with my brother's name.

A quiet promise thrums in my chest,
a pulse, steady and slow,
like the beating of the world before a storm.

Poem 2:

My hands are cold,
But my eyes burn with something
older than vengeance.

The night is thin,
hanging like a thread between worlds,
And I feel the weight of it,
The thin line
between me and the boy I once was.

Poem 3:

Riggs' apartment stands silent,
Like it knows what’s coming.

There’s no thrill in it,
only the hollow ache of knowing
that nothing will bring Shawn back.

_______________________________________

                                                           The 

                                                       Sky 

                                               Bleeds

                                           Gold,

                                                   The

                                                      Day 

                                                           Lets 

                                                                  Go,

                                                               As 

                                                    Twilight 

                                            Whispers 

                                      Soft 

                                  And 

                           Slow, 

                                    A 

                                        Fiery

                                               Kiss,

                                        The 

                                  Suns 

                       Goodbye, 

                                        It 

                                            Pains 

                                                      The 

                                                             World, 

                                                          Then 

                                              Fades 

                                        To

                                 Sigh. ]

_______________________________________________

THE ELEVATOR DOORS UNFOLD

As a black cloud of smoke emerged into the air

The others step around me

Leading the way

                             Out

Out of what felt like a nightmare

                             Almost

As if I never woke up that morning

And I had stayed in bed 

Eyes still fastened shut

I wish            that were true

If                   that were true

I could go along with my day

Like nothing

Ever

Happened

__________________________________________

SOME PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU

That the brain lives another

Seven minutes

After you 

                              Die

Replaying 

All of the best moments

In your life

Maybe that’s what’s happening to me

Maybe none of this is real

Maybe           I died there on the concrete

That same day

Lying next to 

                      Lifeless

                                                        Shawn

__________________________________________

And Then It Dropped

like when an elevator reaches its 0

the gears shifting down to their final level,

I step out of the smokebox

into the world of death,

it was time,

time that marked the death.

Not mine

but his.

Walking to the front,

loading the tail

aimed, shot, Crack!

It was a loaded bomb 

but one that’s already lit,

Death became my revenge,

Until it didn’t.

________________________________________

The walk

The walk home was cold and lonely,

As im walking a rain drop lands on my face

Drip 

Drip

Drip

I keep walking as I think about my choice, 

Was it right

Right

Right

Right

Right

Right

Right

Right

I turn the final corner on the way home

Head heavy,

Soaked from the rain,

Gun still in my waistband

Did I make the right choice?

Should I turn around and do it? 

As I think that I remember what Shawn would do

Mistakes last forever,

Choices are permanent,

I walk inside,

And put the gun down

--------------------------------------------------------

There was realization

I failed the task.

No bullet broke skin,

only regret.

It was too late,

death’s grasp was too strong.

Riggs caught me before I could catch him. 

No revenge could be settled,

only justice and a funeral could remember us:

Shawn & Me. 

WHAT NOW?

________________________________________

MY EARS WERE RINGING

from what I had heard over 

a hundred times.

I didn't feel it at first,

not until I stumbled 

to my knees.

I could feel something coming

out of my body,

red and hot,

seeping through Shawns 

oversized tee.

LOBBY!

So we got our scores...now what?

Hi! A lot of people viewed my post yesterday about waiting for scores and worrying about scores, caring too much about scores. So I thought I'd write a follow up. Only one student got a lower score than I think they assumed they'd get (or I thought they'd get). Though I am overall happy with their scores, this doesn't make anyone else reading this feel better and hopefully doesn't make anyone feel worse. 

It's not always this way. I remember the year of 2021. My AP Lit students are juniors and a few got 2's that really expected a higher score. It was back when they all wrote on paper and I remember one boy in particular had incredibly bad handwriting and he was a much better thinker than he was a writer. It was tough to face him (and a few others) who had gotten lower scores than they wanted when they came back in the fall for AP Lang which I also teach. This kid kept bringing up his "failure" in class and it made me so uncomfortable.  And, of course we want then all to pass. And we all know that there are kids for whom a 2 is a victory and that there are kids who will write, "Tell Mrs. Johnson I'm sorry, but I decided not to write this essay" at the top of Question 1 on the exam.

Someone who read my post yesterday on waiting for scores said that it reminded her why she doesn't look at AP Lang facebook for a couple weeks after the test: so many people are writing, "It's my FIRST year but I had 100% pass rate."  "I am so PROUD of my kiddos....everyone got a 4 or 5!" "I am SHOCKED...these are the highest scores ever in our school's history." (I didn't say any of those things, but I knew what she was getting at.)

If someone calls a happy poster out for "victory sharing" (because it feels kind of like sticking it to people whose scores did not "blow them away") then they are criticized by others for not "celebrating another person's success." I think we probably should always be happy for people who are happy about a victory. (I mean, schadenfreude is not the answer.) It just seems weird though, to post online about high scores knowing over half of the people you're writing to probably are not as elated as you are. Maybe instead you could tell your mom or your spouse or your curriculum director.  

I was a speech coach for several years and when a student who worked their a$$ off on an acting piece would get a II and not go on to state, they'd be crushed and I'd be crushed. Undoubtedly, putting ourselves out there, working really hard for something we want and then being disappointed is a crusher. It isn't fair. However, AP scores at least should not be public--your score won't be marked on butcher block paper in the cafeteria causing people to cheer or cry in front of their peers.

I teach at a pretty privileged public school. We're just north of a university (kind of an affluent suburb  heavy on college professors' and researchers' kids). There's definitely an academic vibe. Because of this, kids feel pressured to get "better than a 3." I feel that same pressure. But when I read online about people who work in rougher situations with struggling students, I remember that the privilege that worries me is still privilege. You really can't compare scores from school to school.

This year on the AP Lit facebook site Brian S. made kind of an official post where people could write about their scores. I thought that was a good idea.  I checked it out this am and didn't see anything too awkward there. If we're honest, when we read through those we are generally not looking for the opportunity to celebrate someone else's victory as much as the chance to feel a little less professionally alone.  

So anyway, I hope you feel ok about your scores! I hope you are proud of all those kids brave enough to take one of the toughest classes in the school  and then take this crazy test. If it was an off year, please don't be hard on yourself.  A woman once said to me, "We all just do what we can." It seemed a little resigned at the time, but she was trying to make me feel better for a SNAFU I had caused. It helped. I think that is pretty much true for most of us all the time.  If you are an AP teacher, you should feel good--it's a really hard academic position with extra work and extra stress and you're probably doing it because you're extra smart and want a challenge. I give you permission next time you are frustrated that someone posts something  about their surprisingly very high scores to write, "bite me."  Well, you have my permission, but I'd just think it instead of writing it.

Guru Susan Graves Barber on AP Lit facebook usually writes a helpful post for all of us the day the scores come out--thanks to Susan! 

OK, I hate waiting for AP scores. They're "externals" anyway.

This seems stupid. I have tried to look for the AP Lang and AP Lit scores TWICE already even though all evidence points to teacher and student access July 7. I haven't really been anxious about scores since the weeks before the exams. Why do I always get weirdly nervous in early July? I had coffee with my nephew today and he said a couple interesting things he heard about responding to things that bring anxiety: look at them but don't STARE at them, and invite them in for tea, but don't set them up in the guest bedroom.

So this is me looking so I don't stare. I do care about their scores--I know we're not supposed to as the learning is more important than the score and their situation the day of the test can make a score drop.  But I still seem to care. (I'm not proud of that.) Of course, the score they get does not change my impression of the student. Their work for 9 months in class is a way more valuable assessment of their skills than tricky multiple choice questions about a poem they've never seen OR writing a scholarly 40-minute essay on a poem they've never seen. I'm proud of them for taking the class and the exam. Also, many things non-academic are so much more important anyway.

Here's why I care: 

1. I want the kids to get the college credit they need (there's a lot of money on the line when you total it all up).

2. I want them to feel good about themselves--to feel like they are "smart."

3.  I want them to realize that hard work offers a nice pay off!

4.  I want them to be happy.

(The ones below are more selfish.)

5.   I will feel validated if the scores are strong--we work so hard, and it's nice to see you're teaching the right things...maybe.

6.  I worry about how it will affect how students feel about me as a teacher--did I prepare them well, let them down, give them a fair assessment of where they may land?

7. I worry a bit about the school's response to their scores (this is stupid as it would have no effect on my job, though some teachers are truly up against it).

_____________________

So, what am I going to do about these nerves about what is to come (tomorrow)? I am reading a book about Stoicism and the concept of applying those ideas to our lives: The Little Book of Stoic Wisdom by Joseph Piercy.  Anyway these are two helpful ideas...

1.  LET IT GO for heaven's sake. Seneca is quoted as saying, "Some things torment us more than they ought; some torment us before they ought; and some torment us when they ought not to torment us at all."  

Seneca also said in an epistle to Lucilius, "We suffer more often in imagination than reality."

Yes, this is certainly no reason for TORMENT.  And, am I actually suffering?  If so, that's a little worrisome.  (I am sure many people think I'm strange to write about this, but I can't be the only one who gets a little anxious...)

2.  IT'S JUST EXTERNAL ANYWAY. The Stoics are not emotionless, as is sometimes supposed. However, Epictetus believed that we should not give our future happiness or present attention to factors we cannot control (like weather, or a diagnosis, others' opinions, or some test results). "When we free our mind of the weight of external factors we are free to choose our happiness on our own terms" (Piercy 61).

 I am ready for some happiness on my own terms.

_________________________________________________________________________

Anyway, if you get a little wiggy about those scores about now, I guess you know you're not alone--an odd teacher in Iowa is overly curious, too. For sure, we know they all did what they could and the tests were read by people who did the best they could.  It's not a flawless system--plenty of externals to go around! I hope you are pleased and relieved when you see their scores--or if not pleased and relieved, at least fine.  I hope that most kids are proud of themselves and feel that whatever score they received is at least "adjacent" to what they feel they deserved. No one is going to cut off their feet if they get a 2. No one will organize a banquet in their honor if they get a 5. It was just a morning, a mark in time. Choose your happy, defuse  the externals, and encourage the students. It's not polite to stare anyway.

If you're not worried about scores, I do think that is the right attitude. Here's to perspective. :)