So, I Told Students an Ol' Break Up Story...How Much Should We Share?

In some ways students don't know that much about me.  I'm sure more than half don't realize I commute 50 minutes each way every day (mostly the freshmen).  (I like living in a city, but there's more to it than that. I LOVE teaching at my school.) I remember about six years ago I showed some photos to my AP Lang seniors about halfway through the second semester. I flashed images of my son, my daughter, my husband and me, my cats, my garden. I told them I can be found on my swing in the backyard reading, writing, and  dawdling spring to fall.  I felt kind of bad when a girl said, "Wow, I feel like I finally know who you ARE."  It made me a little sad (I'd had her in the class the year before as well).  Maybe I hold my cards a little too close with kids? 

I used to be more forthcoming with my details when I was a young teacher. And, undoubtedly, they were more interesting to them back then.  I feel like with my obvious foibles sometimes running the show that I am mostly an emotional open book anyway.  But apparently in other ways I'm not.  A principal told me during a follow up to an evaluation once that I should share more of myself with the students. I thought it was an odd comment--like, why did he assume I wasn't? But I tried to force some more details out during classes.  It felt awkward.  

I figure they don't necessarily want to hear what I did this weekend.  But some always ask me independently and seem to want to know, so I give them little details: I went to see my parents, I graded a lot, etc. It's truly nice of them to ask, but I quickly turn it around: "Well, what did YOU do this weekend?" I say, "I hope YOU had a good weekend," and they will share. (You probably think I'm weirdly distant, but my weekends are a little slow.)

I don't remember ever being that teacher spending a week building a classroom atmosphere of camaraderie. We basically get the novel and have a short reading assignment or writing assignment for the next second day.  We move into that space:  let the literature carry you--assignments are easier than forced sharing. Most kids probably think teaching is my whole life. (Sometimes during the school year it kind of feels that way.)

What sparked this is that I did share a personal story with my AP Lang kids about a break up with a boyfriend I'd dated two and a half years in high school and college. We were brainstorming topics and memories for their  upcoming personal narrative essay. A boy said, "Can I write about three things instead of one?"  I said, "What are you thinking?"  He explained that he had had his heart broken three times and he could write about all of them.  He's a fun kid, but he was serious about it, and I thought it was pretty vulnerable to admit to it in front of his classmates. I mean, I'm guessing they knew about at least one of the relationships.  So to lighten the mood, I said, "I went through a bad break up in college, but I'm COMPLETELY OVER IT NOW."  They asked me about what happened, and I just said, "Oh, it was bad, but you guys just do your brainstorming and journaling."  They pushed me to tell them, so I complied. Then one of the girls said, "You should blog about it!" (The seniors do know I have a blog.)

Here's the story. I had dated this guy, like I said, for a long time--especially at that age, when you haven't been alive that long. I remember the first time he told me he loved me in my driveway at 16, and I said, "OK, thanks! Talk to you tomorrow!" and ran into the house. I remember him leaving me  notes in my locker and that was awkward and teasing me about my accomplishments. He was also pretty funny and could be sweet in that give you a huge stuffed Snoopy for Valentines Day, pay for every date, tell me I was pretty kind of way.

Nutshell, I was a freshman at Northwestern (a small Christian college). He was at Iowa State.  His sister also lived in Ames, and my boyfriend asked me to come down to ISU to visit him (I could stay with his sister). I was supposed to drive her boyfriend down from my hometown as well.  He wasn't  a talkative guy and was pretty arrogant, so it was a long,  quiet ride. Anyway, I get there and we go out for dinner or something the first night and he tells me there--four hours from home--that he wanted to break up with me. I was despondent.  I am sure I wanted to go home immediately but was pressured to stay so I could drive his sister's boyfriend home on Sunday.  (I was weak.) It was awful. Of course, they all knew about it from the jump that the break up was the plan.  I think if it were to happen now I'd rather just get a  text. 

Anyway, students were notably shocked when I told them my sad ass story.  Then I told them I had also dated his cousin and they laughed. 

Fortunately, I am happily married to the boy who grew up across the street from me! I am a very lucky girl and in love, etc. It's ironic that that's one of the few stories I have told them.  

I used to tell a sadder one to my classes when I was young. I was assaulted in my home.  If we read literature that connected to violence toward women, I would share bits of my story. I was maybe thinking it would help someone. Like I said, I was a young teacher then, and I would not share any of that with them now.  That was a long, long time ago. I certainly didn't go into much detail.

Can we overshare? Yes. But I know teachers who can really connect by being who they are, sharing good stuff.  My break up story is so ridiculous that it was  kind of fun to tell for the shock value: "He had you drive down THERE so he could break up with you??!" It's always nice to be on the safe side of the stories we don't necessarily need to share. I truly should just be more open to talking about my weekend. I hope if someone ever breaks their heart they can say, "Well, at least it wasn't like HER situation." I'm so over it.