Feeling Judged? Inadequate? Defensive? Guilty? Overwhelmed? Hopeless? Irresponsible? Apathetic? Self-indulgent? Defeated? Wow! Me, too.

"A big part of being happy is being excited. Be excited for everything--making a cup of tea, seeing a friend, sunsets, traveling, falling in love. Live a life you are excited about." Universe.Guidance   

It's 8th period on a Friday. I've been teaching since 8:00 am except for lunch.  So now, time to get 'er done, right? Jump on those many tasks.  But I have felt kind of blue all day. I am treated for a couple health issues that could contribute to that. Still, it's uncomfortable to be teaching when I'm a little depressed. Like you, I'm a pro and can get through it, but that whole "the teacher completely sets the classroom tone" bullshit pressure makes me feel I have to be at 75% or higher on the upbeat scale everyday. (I would certainly prefer this!) Today I maybe failed at that, but I was probably 60%. I was fine with my freshmen, and I'm not phoning it in with AP, but I feel my lackluster lesson plans wasted precious AP test prep time.  (I'll be ok by Monday.)

A student announced in class that their smart parents read and critique their AP essays. The parents can't believe that they get A's on most of their work. The one really good paper they wrote last year (according to their parents), they got a B on. I said perkily, "Smart parents. Maybe your parents should talk to me." I'm sure they are smart. It made me feel like I grade too high. I give all students the chance to revise.  Maybe they even CHANGE their drafts after their parents look at them before they get to me? I don't know. Maybe I'm a failure at judging the quality of people's writing.  (I'll feel better Monday)

The problem is, like many of you, I've read thousands of papers---actually I've had easily 3,000 students (guessing low) and have read a minimum of 6 of their writings a year (much higher in AP).  But let's say 18,000 essays and 2-6 pages each. I think I've put in my 10,000 hours. "Did you get an A on that?" they ask. (I'll be confident Monday)

Confession: I told my therapist that having "free time" (the prep period) at school is weirdly more disconcerting than being busy for me. She said to make a schedule. The free time today is better--maybe because I'm writing. I don't know if I am writing for other people or maybe writing more for me, more for that personal validation--these feelings make sense, right?  (Self assured come Monday)

Another  English teacher just came in and vented about having to sub for band or vocal during her free period. She can't count how many times she's done it. I told her I volunteered to do the same on Wednesday, but they found someone.  I asked if she wanted me to do it--or even half of it.  She said no--she just hates subbing for them.  (That's ok)

I will have so much to grade this weekend: 17 poetry explications, (4 pages each) 20 poetry practice essays (2 pages each), 55 freshman essays (1.5-2 each). Oh, and lots of prep.  (I'll get lots done.)

My desk is messy and I should definitely clean it, but I might not.  (May still be messy Monday)

I am writing this never-to-be-published blog for 10-15 min longer that I'm supposed to. (I'll post at least one by Monday)

A fellow teacher told me her physical therapist said I have her daughter in English 9 and she lovvvves me.  (I'll try to remember on Monday)

Maybe I'm better at teaching freshmen? (Could be worse!?)

Why am I not able to make it through the day without seeking help from Guy (my husband), or feeling sad, or telling my students I am socially awkward? (I'll keep my awkwardness to myself on Monday~)

 HERE's to feeling better Monday~I almost always do. I like fresh starts.

 Thanks for reading.